it has always been a struggle for me to make friends. ever since i was a young child i've been ostracised, pushed out + bullied by so-called "friends". i never understood what i'd done "wrong" or what was so bad about me that people treated me so badly. i wanted to chat about some of the hardest thing i've found about friendships as a neurodivergent person (who didn't know they were neurodivergent most of their life!)
school friendship groups
when my family moved over to england i moved from a class of 6 people (and a school of maybe 30) into a class of 30+ and a school of hundreds of pupils. it was a cultural shock coming from rural ireland but i managed. i struggled to "fit in" but made some friends and school wasn't all that traumatising in primary school.
secondary school however was...horrendous. it was a constant stream of friendship dramas, petty gossip, bullying, harassment + intimidation. i had a small group of "nerdy" friends - looking back they were all red flags but hindsight is bliss - and we hung out together all the time in school. i never really "fit in" with them fully but i clung to my "best friend" in the group out of necessity. we were not alike at all. she treated me badly over and over again but i let it slide because i had no one else. she lived in town when i didn't and before we went to drama club together she'd make me sit in the pouring rain eating a sandwich from the petrol station and meet her at her house ~5 mins before to walk together. she abandoned me on my birthday time and time again, talked shit about my parent's financials to me - the list could go ON AND ON. she was a fucking vile human being looking back but it was that or have no friends at all and no buffer at school for the bullies.
people assuming i'll always say no
i get it - after you say no to hanging out X amount of times you feel like that person probably doesn't want to hang out so you stop asking. but it's heartbreaking being on the other end of it. you've been struggling so socialising has been too much for you so you politely decline invites, explain why etc. and then the invites never come again.
i'm not anti-social i just struggle with socialising for a variety of different reasons - issues with trust (see above lmao), issues with communicating, feeling overwhelmed, feeling self-conscious etc. i don't want people to assume that i will never say yes - it will just depend on my health at the time. please keep asking your neurodivergent socially anxious pals! we want to be invited so badly even if we can't make it that time!
cliques as an adult
what's worse than "high school drama"? high school drama but it's with fully grown adults. i'm very used to being the outcast in any setting (it upsets me but i've grown to accept it) but it is so much worse when these icky cliques form in spaces and suddenly you feel like a young child again scanning the room for somewhere to sit but everyone is already in groups. it's small things - inside jokes targeted at others, purposefully excluding people or ignoring their messages/comments etc. it's super prevalent in lots of spaces online and it makes me feel so shitty every time! for me i feel like i go extra out of my way to make people feel extra welcome in my spaces because i never want anyone else to feel as bad as i do every single day!
feeling alone all the time
chronic loneliness is not for the weak!! when you're alone most of your time and not around people it can be sometimes comforting when you're struggling but it's so so SO lonely. i personally crave community so much and i've recently been trying to reach out more to find more connection but i just can't seem to get anything going. it sucks because it's been happening my whole life and i'm doing stuff to try to change that but nothing seems to "stick". i often feel like if i didn't message someone for X amount of time would they even realise? would they even remember me? when i start to struggle with my mental health i just desperately want to talk to people but i find myself either 1. overloading someone or 2. isolating myself for fear of being ostracised yet again.
rejection sensitivity + loneliness MEGA DEBUFF
rejection sensitivity dysphoria (rsd) makes you feel like everyone hates you and you're a terrible person no matter what - usually it happens without real rejection just fake perceived rejection your brain makes up. but when it happens and you're already so lonely it's like WHAM and it hits you so badly that everything just feels so overwhelming. for me and many neurodivergent people it causes meltdowns, physical pain, extreme emotional pain and it's so intense it feels like nothing will ever improve. rsd has ruined my life, relationships and left me feeling incredibly alone. it's caused me to alienate people because they can't "handle" my rsd (or can't be fucking bothered let's be so for real) and then ofc that means less friends, more loneliness...you get the vibes.
a good part of me hopes whoever is reading this can't relate to the stuff above because it's heavy, all-consuming and very isolating but if you do relate - you are NOT alone. it might seem like you're the only person in this world who feels like that but trust me you aren't. you might not see people talk about it much - but this yapper will!