been feeling kind of invisible + irrelevant being atm and to stop me yapping too much on socials i figured i'd write it all down here. i feel like no one really sees my posts or if they do they don't engage. it makes me feel silly for even posting esp. when i'm open about my thoughts.
life hasn't gone how i thought it would. i'm struggling with multiple mental health issues, adhd, potentially undiagnosed autism, misc. physical pain, hypermobility spectrum disorder (which has come with losing mobility and chronic pain) and at times i just feel so overwhelmed.
i went to university, got two degrees (Bsc then MSc) and then things just went wrong i guess? i applied for so many jobs - never heard back from any of them. and then i just stopped because i couldn't take it anymore. my body was shutting down. i'd been streaming for a while post-uni and had been enjoying it but struggled immensely with rejection sensitivity dysphoria + justice sensitivity. i saw people hit milestones and make progress and i was just stagnant. my viewership tanked and i felt like i'd done something wrong.
then my body just gave up in nov 2024. i was having full body spasms, severe panic attacks, dizzy 24/7 and housebound for a while. i started to get better eventually but i never returned to how i was before.
got diagnosed with adhd and then medicated for it which has helped a lot but i'm still just barely surviving life. i spend 90% of my time on my own and i don't really do much with my time. i either stream (and then often feel kind of meh afterwards bc it was very quiet), maybe game in the evening but during the day i struggle to start any tasks.
i have NO prospects whatsoever - i can't work, my small business is a huge failure, i don't make any income from my art or my streaming. i'm living with my parents at 28 with no path for the future whatsoever. i'm just surviving every day and that is all. because i have barely any income i can't get private therapy which would help i think.
i'm 28 and it feels like my life never actually started. i feel stuck, isolated, chronically lonely and honestly a lot of the time kind of hopeless. i spend time promoting my small business etc. but it doesn't work.
i feel this complete lack of purpose and i just hate it. everyday is the exact same and i find myself looking at others and wondering how they made it and i didn't. am i annoying? am i too much? is my art terrible? are my streams terrible? my neurodivergent brain just wants desperately to know what i've done wrong so i can "correct" it.
i have no idea what the future holds. my sibling has moved out with their partner, works full-time (still barely makes it by) and when we meet up no one asks me anything. it's like they presume i have nothing to add. so i just sit and try to join in. and my parents tell me they are proud of me but i don't know what for. i'm embarrassed bc i spent 80k getting through uni (with loans) and it feels like it was for nothing.
i can't imagine my future at all. i just focus on making it through each day an hour at a time. a lot of my old hobbies don't interest me as much or i just get so stuff in executive dysfunction that i can't do anything but sit.
i'm exhausted. every day is a battle and i don't know what to do. i felt i had to write this post bc otherwise i'd just explode or something.
i feel like an alien in this world at times - i watch people going about their day, going to a job, having a home, going to events etc. and i just can't even imagine any of it for myself bc how could i?
i want someone to tell me it will be okay but no one can guarantee that. i want to live not just survive or exist. i want the problems i'm facing to be heard, valued + seen as equal to others. i sometimes just feel like my problems don't matter.